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Well, it is around 12:20 A.M. And I am already fairly sure this will be a restless night. It’s one of those nights that I insist on listening to music that brings me back to some of the best, and worst moments of my life.
The thing is, I know exactly what awaits me when I choose to listen to that playlist. I fell in love with these songs in the background. I was in firefights while these songs were blasting. I was successful and awarded while those songs were in my head. I miss loved ones who are long gone to this soundtrack.
Why do I subject myself to it all? Because at least I know that when those songs are playing that I am not living in this exact moment (this moment consists of anxiety, stress, and no sleeping). While I don’t necessarily enjoy being brought back to the battlefield, at least there I was surrounded by non-genetic brothers who would literally lay their life down in order to save mine. There I am not alone. Same goes for when Weezer’s Only in Dreams comes on and I am all of the sudden slow dancing with my ex. If only for a moment I can relive a time where I was the happiest…
I love and hate that music can transport me to the best and worst times of my life. I suppose I need to begin a new soundtrack to my life… Starting tomorrow, hopefully after getting even a couple hours of sleep.
Who knows…
Staying Frosty 
Don’t loose hope. For the better part of the last seven years I was were you are tonight. It might not be today or tomorrow, but it will get better. I to this day still go to sleep or try to with music on. It’s like you said- a way to get away even if just for a song. In time your playlist will change as will your memories.
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I believe it will, fuck, I know it will. I sometimes get so caught up in the past that I forget to ackowledge exactly how far I have come in the past 4 years.
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I can’t begin to image the things you might have faced, but I do believe that there is something wonderful about knowing that you are here, in this moment, able to look at life a bit differently than the rest of society. And for music? Sometimes, I think, there is some specialness to music you can’t ever escape and yet sometimes want to run towards.
I know I just began following your blog, but I think the world of people like yourself.
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I agree, although I will most likely not be sleeping tonight, I am content that I have found a safe place to get my thoughts out of my head. After each post I am able to breathe just a little bit deeper. Thank you for your response. The positive feedback makes me feel more comfortable about opening up even more
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I blog to hope for some reprieve, and I have found solace in doing that, Hopefully, you might find the same. 🙂
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I take comfort in knowing that the shit trapped in my head is liberated and as long as I keep writing about the horror, the guilt, the shame, the grief that looms over my life, the less power those things have over me…
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I’m right there with you, Kid
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It sucks, but at least we aren’t alone huh?
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Yup, it —-kinda—- helps…*rolls eyes*
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Haha sarcasm?
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Hardly sarcasm…hugs…
https://americanainjustica.wordpress.com/2014/11/19/nighttime/
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🙂
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I’m with you on the sleeplessness (it’s 3:12am), the role of music being good and bad, and the way writing gets the crap out of my head and brings some sort of relief. I had several people tell me I should try writing and I never believed it would do any good. “Why would I want to put that shit on paper?”, was my thought. And even now that I have experienced the relief writing brings, I still find it hard to believe. It’s crazy.
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