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Hate using this place to whine about my every problem. I wanted it to be more of a creative outlet, yet here we are. I cannot get her out of my head…

There isn’t a day that goes by where her face, her laugh, her touch, and her absolute beauty does not go through my head. This month has been exceptionally hard for some reason.

I have had at least seven dreams this month, dreams about her and I being back together. These visions feel so real, that is, until I wake up in a temporary bliss that is shocked right out of me when I realize it wasn’t true. My heart hurts, and a crushing wave of depression sweeps over me. To put it crudely, it is the worst fucking feeling ever.

I have tried and tried again to rid her from my memory, but nothing has worked. No amount of booze, drugs, or meaningless relationships help. No amount of therapy or prescribed drugs has helped. 3 months of extensive inpatient care down the drain. Fuck seroquel, ambien, lunesta, trazadone, respiridone, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Xanax, klonopin, and Lexipro (there are probably way more on that list). Cutting and burning never worked either.

I am not quitting life, I’ve been down that road twice and I realize that I am stronger than that. But these memories, these dreams are tearing me apart. I hurt all the time (dealing with the PTSD doesn’t help matters either). I just feel broken and until I feel unbroken I am going to be lonely as hell…

Thank god for my Persephone, my one true friend…