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Hate using this place to whine about my every problem. I wanted it to be more of a creative outlet, yet here we are. I cannot get her out of my head…
There isn’t a day that goes by where her face, her laugh, her touch, and her absolute beauty does not go through my head. This month has been exceptionally hard for some reason.
I have had at least seven dreams this month, dreams about her and I being back together. These visions feel so real, that is, until I wake up in a temporary bliss that is shocked right out of me when I realize it wasn’t true. My heart hurts, and a crushing wave of depression sweeps over me. To put it crudely, it is the worst fucking feeling ever.
I have tried and tried again to rid her from my memory, but nothing has worked. No amount of booze, drugs, or meaningless relationships help. No amount of therapy or prescribed drugs has helped. 3 months of extensive inpatient care down the drain. Fuck seroquel, ambien, lunesta, trazadone, respiridone, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Xanax, klonopin, and Lexipro (there are probably way more on that list). Cutting and burning never worked either.
I am not quitting life, I’ve been down that road twice and I realize that I am stronger than that. But these memories, these dreams are tearing me apart. I hurt all the time (dealing with the PTSD doesn’t help matters either). I just feel broken and until I feel unbroken I am going to be lonely as hell…
Thank god for my Persephone, my one true friend…
I have found that the more I try to find ways to forget… it just seems to reinforce their presence swirling around in my mind. Don’t worry about using your blog to whine… that’s what all of us do in one way or another. I am truly saddened by your ‘hurt’… I hope the dawn of tomorrow will bring you a brighter day.
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Thanks brother, I hope so too…
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Hey the way I look at it .. whine, cry, do whatever you have to it’s your space and I’d respect it as such.
I’ve taken a majority of the drugs you have too and if it helps, propanolol helps me immensely with my anxiety.
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Thank you. I may have to give it a try. I’m just, tired of feeling so terrible all the time
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Thanks for sharing, It appears we are going through a similar experience. Keep writing my friend. HB
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No problem. I hate going through this, and I hate that this has been going on for almost 4 years now. Not sure what it will take for it to end…
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I don’t know what it will take for it to end either. I don’t know how long each on of us must carry this burden but there is hope in the future. Something better is coming, time will hopefully fade the scars a little. There are new therapies coming out all the time for PTSD. I will check into them tomorrow and come back and let you know about them. Maybe they will help, maybe they won’t but it’s worth a shot. Hang in there you may feel like it but you aren’t alone.
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Sadly, I am at the mercy of the VA. I am a full time student and cannot afford private healthcare. I have already done CBT and Prolonged Exposure through them which helped the combat variable but did absolutely nothing for the rest of my issues that all surround the combat issue. Most specifically, the woman I lost while on my PTSD/TBI rampage. I am clueless, drugs and booze helped for awhile but quickly wore off, prescribed meds helped for awhile longer, but wore off, sex did not help at all, in fact it made things worse. Fighting, working out, listening to music, writing, talking, cutting, burning etc… Nothing has been able to help me not obsess about “the one who got away”.
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