, ,

Trying to balance being a good husband, a good Marine, and functional alcoholic is a damn near impossible feat. No matter how much effort you devote to each one of them, one will always outdo the one you are trying to improve. In my case, my main goal was to be the best husband I could be. Sadly, my drive to advance in the military ranks interfered with that. What was even more of a disappointment was that my desire for being a functional alcoholic trumped the other two goals. It is ironic that it was the main focus of my life that destroyed my military career as well as my marriage. Luckily I was honorably discharged from the corps despite my constant fuck ups. What eats me alive to this date is how my marriage ended. I met my eventual wife while in high school. She was (and still is) the most beautiful girl I have ever laid eyes on. I did eventually gather the nerves to ask her to homecoming. I even made sure my shirt and tie matched her dress. From that point on she was my addiction. I couldn’t get enough of her. She made me laugh, she made me cry, she helped mold me as I entered manhood. The best part is that she was just as infatuated with me. We never strayed too far apart from each other. This went on for over a year, up until a friends death which tore my heart apart. After that tragedy I found it to be more important to spend time with my guy friends rather than her. She was no longer my apparent main focus. So I ended it with her, however, right after doing so I regretted it. It really is true that you never realize how important someone is until they are gone. I never officially asked her out again but we continued to maintain a physical relationship. At the time it was perfect, no commitment, yet I got to see her whenever I pleased. It was not until she started a relationship with another guy that I became unraveled. After I found out about the new couple I begged and begged her to come back to me. It didn’t have any effect though. Even after graduation and after I drove her and moved her in to college, nothing changed. She would text occasionally but my heart was still absolutely broken because I knew that her heart and mind belonged to another. It wasn’t until after I enlisted that she really started speaking to me again. I guess she fell victim to the saying that you never realize exactly what you have until it is gone. I left for boot and made sure that I wrote her every chance I got. I graduated just before Christmas and she was one of the first people I saw. She was still in her relationship but it was obvious that she and I shared a very close bond. After my break I headed to N.C. For a few weeks and then it was off to the desert for training. I somehow managed to get her to come out and visit and when she did I proposed. With tears in her eyes she said yes and we shared an incredible kiss. Things were exactly how I wanted them. I fought as hard for her as I did for getting through basic. Sadly, this is when my dear friend alcohol entered the picture. At first it was just a remedy for a stressful day but it was not long before it consumed me. I was now married, a full time Marine, and was unable to come home and just have a beer or two and enjoy my wife’s company. I had to put away at least 6 drinks every weeknight. It was even worse on the weekends. Now I was trying to balance my drinking, my wife, and my career. My drinking and career came first, my wife and I grew apart quickly. After my deployment my drinking completely took over my life. It was what I lived for, I thought about getting wasted 24/7. I would come home from work so strung out that it would take at least a few drinks to even me out. I was so wrapped up in my disease that I completely forgot that I was a husband. I actually enjoyed when she would leave because that meant I could get shit faced without getting judged. She would frequently take trips and I would make up excuses for why I couldn’t come with her. I shattered that marriage. I shattered the best thing that has ever happened to me. Fast forward a few years; she will not respond to my texts anymore. I have been unable to rid her from my mind. I still love her. People always tell me to reconcile with her but it would never work. The bottom line is that I put a job and alcohol before my soulmate. That is about as low as I could go. She is and always will be my biggest regret. That situation has pretty much doomed any relationship I may have from here on out. It is my fault though. The morale is that if you have the person of your dreams in your arms, then you must fight for that person, give up anything that is not absolutely vital. If you feel the same way as I did about my ex than it is worth it for that person will bring you endless happiness. Learn from my story…

I left parts of this story out, when I become more comfortable in this forum I will type this again without any edits.